Personal,  Reflections,  ZoeReverie

ZoeReverie: Best version of myself possible.

ZoeReverie posts tell of the author’s contemplations about life, and are often written to inspire herself. How narcissistic. Lol.


Best Version of Myself

I have this quote on my phone lock screen at the moment that says,

Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That’s who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.

~ C. Assaad

I’ve been mulling over this quote ever since I saw it a few months ago. Is it really possible… to imagine the best version of yourself and create that person? When you have become that person, are you still you? Or are you just morphing yourself into another person whom you admire, and emulating a behaviour that was not yours to begin with?

The reason why I cannot fathom the suggestion – but still am intrinsically attracted to it – is because I am here, while the best version of myself is million of miles away. I agree that it takes time and life experiences to ignite certain characteristics that adds on to a person’s overall demeanour. The problem is how to get there?

First I think I should define “there”.


Self-confidence

I never had great self-esteem. An overly-critical mother always got me second-guessing my choices.. She never failed to warn that neighbours are watching, and tongues will wag. I grew up feeling fearful that I may be ridiculed by my neighbours (the ‘aunties and uncles’ that we so affectionately know them as). There was a lot of pressure and discipline meted out to fit into a cookie cutter mold.

 

I think all I did was went along with someone else’s notion that I had no recollection of what I did, what I thought about throughout those years.

 

When I was in my early 20s, I realised what a negative and fearful environment I have grown up in. I stopped caring about what neighbours would say.. because no matter what, tongues will wag and people will judge. I started to develop my own thoughts.  Late, you might say, or what have you been doing for the first 20 years of your life? Beats me, I had no idea either. I think all I did was went along with someone else’s notion that I had no recollection of what I did, what I thought about throughout those years. Shocking, but it was true.. My younger sister recently revealed to me that she never knew what I was thinking and why I was so weirdly mindless. Haha.. I was spooked when I heard it.

It was after University that I felt that I truly started to live. Be my own person.. Yet I could not shake off the persistent paranoia that people are always judging and worse, they look down on what a failure you are. True enough, the neighbours look at you with those judgemental eyes and stopped acknowledging you by turning away. Even your own mother became so disappointed that she stopped believing in you.

All because you chased after your own definitions of life.

Sorry for launching into such a long story on why I am so not confident, but I just thought that my story should be heard somehow. From here on, I wish to “let go of” this part of my life. It’s been too stifling.. All that fear.


I just want to be happy.

I think I’m in an okay place now (with regards to self-confidence), I don’t care about what people who don’t matter think about me anymore. And I try to turn the negative judgements into something positive by focusing on what I can achieve in the future with Beary Naise Co.. Beary Naise gives me the confidence that I can still be of some contribution to society, to be of service to someone and to make someone’s day.

Still, I am a long way from being a sure, composed, and self-confident #girlboss. One who contributes to conversations instead of being a spectator. One who drives the business fiercely forward. But that’s the thing, when you only started a life at 20, there is just too much to learn at once when you’re at 26. The intricacies of human relations, unspoken social norms, and what make or break them. Hahaha I look back and laugh at how an awkward duckling I was. Well now I still am sometimes awkward, but better.

 

And yet, no, they have not become freaks.

 

There are many women in their 30s and 40s I got to know now whom are very inspiring in all aspects of their lives. They are business owners, extremely strong, clear-headed, confident, multi-taskers, and most importantly, in control. And yet, no, they have not become freaks. Still lovely, loving, and beautiful, like what a woman/wife/mother should be.

I think the best version of myself will be something like that… and I can’t wait! :)

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