Feelings,  Personal,  ZoeReverie

ZoeReverie: What it was like to lose your sense of self

ZoeReverie posts tell of the author’s contemplations about life, and are often written to inspire herself. How narcissistic. Lol.

Many people started 2018 in happiness but I entered 2018 not knowing who I was. It was quite a scare as l couldn’t hear my inner voice, I had no words in my head, and I had no sense of identity. I became afraid, withdrawn, and worried that l was going to stay like that. I became so quiet and moody that Hammy got rather concerned as well. He said I was thinking too much, but my exact words to him were that “I feel empty and hollow, and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I have no words in my mind, I couldn’t even write my blog posts anymore. ”

Trust something like that to happen to me. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was having the time of my life doing the thing I love. Then comes end of 2017 and a start of a new year. Maybe it was the pressure of having to grapple with a lot more wonderful plans in 2018, coupled with a little anxiety to deliver them. The episode was so weird, and it was not as if something bad had happened to me to cause a reboot. Though, I have a rather crazy theory to explain as to what exactly happened, and this came to me at 5am in the morning.

Well, my zodiac is the snake.

And you know, snakes moult when growing. During the process, the new skin is fragile and soft, and the snake is pretty much vulnerable to predators. It doesn’t have a choice – in order to grow bigger, it has to first become vulnerable. I think this is super relatable in my #girlboss journey. Having your own business means having to continuously step out of your comfort zone and being open to the unknown.

I think I was having an episode like that, except that it was an emotional moulting.

I was discarding what I knew of myself in 2017 to the point of being an empty slate. A new container that I can fill up with good and happy things again, and with pleasant and strong qualities that are required to bring Beary Naise to higher levels. After I came to this realisation, I was pretty relieved that I wasn’t losing it.

I am still a work in progress, and I am growing.

Happy 2018 everyone!

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